If it’s your birthday, first things first: Happy birthday. Now, here’s the bad news. If you watch any of these movies today, it’s going to just bum you out. Don’t do it. Here’s a list of movies to avoid watching on your birthday because they’ll just ruin it, and you can thank us later.
Logan’s Run
How about a movie whose premise is that society decides, once you hit a certain age, that you’re “too old,” so they try to snuff you out? As in, they send you to sleep with the fishes. You’re pushing up daisies. You’re dead. That’s what we’re talking about with Logan’s Run, a science fiction film that has haunted birthdays since it was released in 1976. The year (in the movie) is 2274, and once you turn 30 years old – oh yeah, you didn’t think they let people get to a ripe old age, did you? – it’s time to die, although they don’t publically call it that. The people who run things (no pun intended) call it reincarnation, or some such thing. Hey, happy birthday! Is it your 30th? So yeah, don’t even think about watching Logan’s Run on your birthday.
Happy Birthday to Me
Or how about a movie in the slasher/thriller genre? Happy Birthday to Me is a film whose tagline is: “A preppie could be the one skewering classmates who skipped her birthday party years before.” Who wants to be reminded of that sad birthday we all have in our past – the one where all we got was a birthday card from Aunt Mildred, and nobody came to our party? It doesn’t seem like it would be advisable to watch this movie on your special day.
Taken
Taken, the 2008 movie that launched its own sub genre in the thriller genre, starts with a depressing birthday scene. Liam Neeson just wants to be part of his daughter’s life. He gets shunned at her birthday party, so you have to wonder if it’s karma that causes his daughter to get kidnapped in France. Is that the kind of heavy lifting you want to do with your moral compass on your birthday, of all days? Probably not. Of course, you won’t remember any of that once Liam Neeson starts brutalizing the bad guys and, since it’s your birthday, you turn it into a drinking game.
Sixteen Candles
Let’s not forget the beloved John Huston movie from 1984, Sixteen Candles. It’s a terrible movie to watch on your birthday, especially your sixteenth. The whole plot centers around how Sam’s family forgets that it’s her birthday. Not only do they forget, but her sister is getting married the next day. Family comes into town, and Sam has to sleep on the couch. On her birthday. On top of all that, her family makes her take a foreign exchange student to the school dance, and the whole movie turns into a mess from there. Sure, things get all warm and fuzzy before the credits roll, but at what emotional cost to you, the viewer, on your birthday? All you wanted to do was watch a movie that made you feel special.
Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
If someone recommends you watch a movie with a title as hard to get right as Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, tell them to forget it. Not on your birthday, pal. This movie was released in 2014, and was based on a book published in 1972. In it, this kid finds out that everyone he loves, from his crush to his best friend, chose to attend another kid’s birthday party instead of his. Of course, some funny shenanigans start to happen when the kid makes a wish (over a lonely candle on his lonely birthday) that other people could experience the blues he’s going through, but you don’t want to have those kinds of thoughts on your birthday!
Maybe, instead of watching a movie on your birthday, you should read a book instead. Just watch out for all those false expectations from titles like: If You Had Your Birthday Party on the Moon. Because you know that’s not going to happen.
